We used to do weekly shows, and just to keep things interesting, we would put out a fresh invitation each time to our fan base. The text has virtually nothing to do with the show. They’re a little like Doonesbury cartoons, but without the pictures. Here are a few Blurbs:
________________________________________________________________________
“Hello.”
“Oh, um, hello.”
“This bus is always late.”
“I know. You wait and wait, and then if you’re not standing up and staring at the driver, sometimes it just doesn’t stop.”
“Yeah. hmmm…”
“What?”
“Oh, nothing.”
“You were looking at something on my face.”
“Well, that mole by your lip… I was thinking I could remove that for you if you like.”
“What?”
“I’m a medical student.”
“You want to remove my mole?”
“It’s not that I want to remove it. It’s just that, you’re so pretty, and I was thinking that I could remove that mole for you in about 30 seconds.”
“That’s weird. Anyway, I like my mole.”
“Are you sure? I’ve got some liquid nitrogen here in my bag, and a new scalpel, I could have it done by the time the bus shows up.”
“No!”
“Really, it’s no trouble. See, I have everything we need, right here…”
“I’m going to scream.”
“Really? OK, fine. Forget I mentioned it.”
“I’ll try.”
“Sheesh. Everything was going so well….”
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Why are you wearing those pants? Why don’t you wear those other pants you just got?”
“What’s wrong with these pants?”
“You always wear those pants. Those pants have a baggy butt. You think they look good because you only ever see the front.”
“Really? The butt is baggy?”
“Totally.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“I knew you liked those pants, but they’ve never looked right on you. Now that we’ve been going out for a few weeks, I feel I can tell you some things I couldn’t before.”
“Oh. Is there anything else I should know?”
“Yes, but I don’t want to reveal everything at once. You’ll think I’m too analytical and critical of you.”
“But you still like me in spite of those things?”
“Yes, I still like you in spite of those things.”
“Does this mean we can talk about some things about you that have bothered me a little?”
“No. I don’t think we know each other well enough yet.”
____________________________________________________________________________________
“…OK, so let’s have you sign this release, and put on your construction helmets and the protective eyewear you were given. Very good. Now follow me through here, please.”
“Have you been told anything about what this machine actually does?”
“Nothing specific, just the usual PR stuff about paradigm shifting new technology, change the world as we know it, blah blah…I have no idea what they’re gonna show us. Wow, sorry, I know this probably sounds weird, but you look really good in that Tyvek decontamination suit.”
“You have nice eyes.”
“…and this large elevator will now take us down approximately seven miles to the actual site of the Teslonic Displacement Generator.”
“Um, have I met you at one of these things before? Large hadron collider, maybe?”
“I don’t think so, but I know what you mean.. you seem so familiar..and, mmm, you kinda smell familiar… sorry, I…”
“No! Not at all, I, I think I understand.”
“…as we near the machine we will pass though a brief period of alpha-galvanic wave distortion where some of you with more empathic capabilities may experience a heightened sense of attraction to those around you. It’s a normal reaction to the peculiar waves produced by the Teslonic Displacement Generator. This peculiar effect will dissipate shortly.”
“Can we get out of here, maybe go someplace a little more private?”
“We’re in an elevator going miles down into the earth, I don’t see..”
“Well, maybe they can all get out at the next floor, and we can just….”
“….and now that we’ve arrived, all the effects of the distortion field should have disappeared.”
“Do you feel any different?”
“No. My attraction to you is greater than a temporary alpha-galvanic wave distortion field. I want to rip your Tyvek decontamination suit off.”
“There’s gotta be some place around here…”
(So that’s Tom Jonesing, This Thursday evening, August 14 2014, from 6pm to 8:30pm, at…)
____________________________________________________________________________________
“OK… let me get this straight…we’re ants?”
“Yeah, so it would seem. Sterile female worker ants.”
“Sterile females! And how did this happen, exactly?”
“I don’t know… reincarnation, time warp, demonic spirit possession, a bad sandwich. I don’t know much about this kind of stuff.”
“But how do we get back to Freeburbia and save the princess?”
“I’m working on that. Stop waving your antennae around like that, it’s distracting.”
“Sorry!”
“Wait a minute, I’m picking up an unusual scent trail…”
“Unusual? You mean you’ve picked up other scent trails before?”
“It’s…(sniff), it’s…(sniff)… oh my god, it’s….!”
Tom Jonesing, This Thursday evening, March 8 2012, from 6pm to 9pm, at… ____________________________________________________________________________________
“Good morning, sir, and welcome to Chase. How may I help you today?”
“This is a gun. Fill this large envelope with 100 dollar bills and act naturally.”
“You’re holding up the bank? With your phone?”
“This is not a phone.This is a gun. I downloaded the “Bank Robber” app into it this morning.”
“That’s a phone, sir. And Bank Robber is a game, not an app. ”
“It’s a gun.”
“No.”
“Could you please just act like it’s a gun? I mean, where’s the harm in that?”
“This entire transaction is being filmed. They’ll see that you tried to stick up the bank with a phone and I gave you thousands of dollars. I’ll be fired and you’ll be caught.”
“So, I should have brought a real gun?”
“As a bank robber, that would have given you some credibility. But I think you’re merely a victim of our technologically driven culture which has grown woefully out of touch with reality. You’re kind of pathetic.”
“It’s true, I feel so lonely. You’ve been very understanding about all this. Say, Tom Jonesing is playing this Thursday, would you…”
“Thank you for banking with Chase. Next customer please!”
So, that’s Tom Jonesing, This Thursday evening…
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Welcome to Chase. Good morning sir, how can I… oh, it’s you.”
“Hello. Yes, it’s me, I’m back.”
“Did you bring a real gun this time, or are you going to try to hold up the bank with your phone again?”
“No, I brought a real gun. I’ve got it here somewhere.. oh, wait, it’s in my backpack, hold on a minute..”
“Could you please step to the side while I help the next customer?”
“Oh, sure. This won’t take long, I’m sure it’s in here.”
“Welcome to Chase. How can I help you today?”
“Hi, I’m just depositing these checks. What’s with that guy?”
“Oh, he’s a bank robber. He’s looking for his gun. Last week he tried to hold up the bank with his phone.”
“He’s kind of cute. I mean, for a bank robber.”
“Yeah, kind of cute, but sad. When I wouldn’t give him any money, he asked me out. To see Tom Jonesing.”
“Oh, you should totally go, they’re so great.”
“Hmmm… well, if he ever finds his gun, maybe I will.”
______________________________________________________________________________
“Hello. Please come in and sit down. So you are… Elizabeth and you are, let’s see, Steve. That’s fine. So in this first session, I would just like to start by having you both tell me briefly in your own words why you don’t think your marriage is working.”
“He only speaks in Dylan lyrics.”
“He… excuse me, did you say he only speaks in…”
“Lyrics to Bob Dylan songs. It’s some kind of metaphoric, highbrow, smug, superior way he’s commenting on our relationship. I hate it.”
“Um, ok… and Steve, uh, what is it about Elizabeth that you….”
“She’s a hypnotist collector… you are a walking antique!”
“See? There he goes…”
“Fascinating. Um, Steve, why do you feel you must act out your feelings in this particular way?”
“Someone’s got it in for me… they’re planting stories in the press!”
“Um, yes, I see.. Elizabeth, I think this may be beyond the scope of my practice, what would you like to accomplish here today?”
“There oughtta be a law against you comin’ around… you should be made to wear ear-phones!”
“That’s ok, doctor, I wasn’t expecting any major breakthroughs, we won’t take up any more of your time.”
“Please don’t hesitate to call, I may have some recommendations, a specialist. Goodbye, and er, goodbye, Steve.”
“‘Cause you know something is happening but you don’t know what it is, do you, Mr. Jones?!”
“Um, yes, er, thank you, goodbye.”
____________________________________________________________________________________
“What is that?”
“Isn’t it amazing? It’s truly one of a kind. I’ve been collecting these for years and never seen another one like it.”
“Yeah, but…”
“This one has the rare rubber textured knobs and “Buck Rogers” style interface. I saw another one on eBay that went for over a thousand dollars, and it wasn’t nearly as cool as this one.”
“What does it…”
“Here, press it against your body. Now squeeze that little nubbins coming out of the side. Try turning it to the left.”
“Whoa, it feels like it’s…oh, my god…”
“Yeah, it’s hard to know what to call that.”
“I want one of these!” “OK, that’s enough, give it back.”
“You are so not my friend.” ____________________________________________________________________________________
“Good morning.”
“Hello.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m composing the invite for the Tom Jonesing show this Thursday.”
“Oh, so you’re the one that does those!”
“Yeah.”
“How do you make up those funny scenarios?”
“I dunno, they just kinda happen. Actually, you’re in one right now.”
“Wait a minute… I’m in a Tom Jonesing invitation?”
“That’s right. I’m sorry to tell you this, but you don’t really exist. As soon as I’ve put this on FaceBook and sent it out to the list, you’ll just be an odd little memory.”
“But I feel so real!”
“I know…I’m really sorry.”
“I guess I should do something meaningful while I’m still here. Time is so fleeting!”
“Yup.”
“How much time do I…”
(click)
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Send in the next petitioner.”
“Your Highness, the next petitioner is a scientist, proposing something called “daylight saving time.”
“Eh? Sounds promising. Step forward please and state your case plainly.”
“Your Majesty, the difference in the amount of valuable daylight hours between the winter and summer seasons is significant. It has a profound effect upon the productivity of our great nation. By so simple an act as setting the clock forward an hour in springtime and back again an hour in the fall, we might even out somewhat the productive hours of the day.”
“Hmmm, I see. Will not the sudden change twice each year bring with it a loss of sleep and a drowsiness that will render everyone far less effective?”
“Perhaps for a few days, at worst, Your Majesty.”
“And will not the populace miss their appointments, businesses need to reorganize their overseas transactions, and agricultural concerns be adversely impacted if we turn our backs on nature and implement your plan?”
“Only for a short time, twice a year, Your Highness.”
“I see. Take this man down to the docks and feed him to the fishes.”
“!What? But… Your Majesty!”
“I’m trying to cut back on my caffeine intake. You’re not helping.” ____________________________________________________________________________________
“Mommy, Mommy, I want it!!”
“Put that down! I’m not getting you another one. You threw the last one in the toilet.”
“But it was so slow! This one has a faster processor and a liquid crystal display!”
“Your son seems to know a lot about our products. What is he, like five?”
“He’ll be five next month. He’s addicted to technology.”
“My kid’s like that too, I can’t even bring him to the Kumquat store anymore, he goes nuts.”
“Yeah, it’s a little scary.”
“Mommy, look, look what it can do! It has 16 lanes of sustained turbo boost memory throughput!!”
“I guess they’ll grow up to be scientists or engineers or something. Or cyber terrorists.”
“Oh, he’s already done that. He broke into his preschool’s website and altered their meals descriptions to include snacks he wanted that they weren’t giving him. They were forced to comply or face a civil suit from a law firm he contacted using my name.”
“Wow, that’s impressive. He has real skills.”
“Mommy, stop talking to that man, he’s looking at your goodies!!” “
Um, I gotta go now.”
“Uh, sure, yeah, um, have a nice day….” ____________________________________________________________________________________
“‘Tis Spring! ‘Tis Spring! The cherry blossoms are on the wing!”
“Why are you doing the Snoopy dance?”
“This weather has me giddy… May! May! The merry month of May!”
“Tis June… ’tis June…the freezing fog will be here soon.”
“Why do you have to be such a mean-ass robo-geekazoid?”
“Sorry baby… I’m a realist. But Tom Jonesing’s playing this Thursday.”
“Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!”
“I love when you do the Snoopy dance.”
“I have to go to work now. Have you seen my clothes?”
“Um, no. No I have not. Please continue the gleeful cartoon dancing now.” ____________________________________________________________________________________
“Hello, may I help the next person in line, please..? Oh, it’s you.”
“Yes, hello. I’ve come to apologize.”
“You mean for the last two times you came in, when you tried to hold up the bank with an app on your phone, and then with a gun you couldn’t find, and then you asked me out on a date?”
“Um, that was wrong of me. I see that now. I’d been under a lot of stress and I acted rashly.”
“Rashly…the holdup part or the date part?”
“Both. Oh, and I’d also like to make a deposit.”
“OK, let’s start with that… whoa, that’s a lot of cash!”
“Yeah, it should come to 321,704 dollars.”
“May I ask where you got this?”
“It’s probably better if you don’t.”
“Is this another one of those things you’re going to be apologizing for?”
“Perhaps, but at least not to you…”
“Well, that’s an improvement. I’m free this Thursday, by the way…”
“Huh?”
(That’s Tom Jonesing, this Thursday evening, May 9 2013…) ____________________________________________________________________________________
“What’s happening here?”
“My mom! She jumped into the lion enclosure! Help her, please!”
“Hmmm, that’s a very dangerous lion. I’m not sure what to do here…”
“Don’t worry, I saw this on YouTube! I’ve always wanted to do this!”
“Hurry, she’s going towards it, do something!”
“What’s her name?”
“Shirley Talbott.”
“Mrs. Talbott! Do not approach the lion! You will be killed!”
“It’s ok…I have catnip! Here, watch…”
“Has she ever done anything like this before?”
“Not that I know of, she just loves cats.”
“Mrs. Talbott, that is not a house cat, it’s an extremely dangerous and aggressive top tier predator. It’s not a Tabby, a Persian, a Russian Blue, a Siamese, a Burmese, a Tonkinese, or a Maine Coone. It isn’t an American Shorthair, an Abyssinian, a Snowshoe, a Turkish Angora…”
“What, are you nuts!?”
“No just something of a cat fancier. I figured I’d appeal to her love of cats in this situation and distract her.”
“Too late. Look, she’s already riding it around.” ____________________________________________________________________________________
“Now if you’ll just follow me through this corridor, which houses the prince’s collection of medieval siege weapons, we’ll come to the master bath, which was once the armory.”
“This castle is amazing!”
“Shhh!” “Note the unusual crown molding, made entirely from the bones of peasants that rose up against the royal family in 1604.”
“I’m not much of a history buff, but I’m getting the feeling this guy wasn’t exactly your “man of the people,” know what I mean?”
“Please stop bothering me! Your comments are distracting and childish!”
“Well, tutt-tutt!”
“From this window you can see the stone enclosure which housed the public torture facilities…”
“Excuse me!”
“Sir?… oh, yes, the American gentleman, what is it?”
“This guy, this prince… has he got any living relatives?”
“Why, yes… the family is one of the most respected banking and real estate investment firms in the world.”
“I guess the apple don’t fall far from the tree, huh? Or the head from the chopping block, ha ha!”
“Sir, I must ask you to leave the tour.”
“Yeah, no problem. I’ll be in the coffee shop, with the other peasants.” ____________________________________________________________________________________
“Hold still, I’m taking your picture.”
“What kind of camera is that, it’s really odd looking…”
“It’s my new mood camera. It takes a picture of your aura.”
“You mean it shows what I’m feeling?”
“Uh-huh, like, the real you… hold very still for 5 seconds…. that’s it….got it!”
“Let me see… hey, it’s just a big turquoise smudge.
Are you sure you did it right?”
“Yeah, that’s your aura. Turquoise means you have a very energized personality, you like to be organized and you tend to influence others.”
“Huh… here, let me try it on you. Hold still…”
“OK”
“Got it…your smudge is pink.”
“Ooooh, pink is good! Pink means spiritual love.”
“That’s nice. Hey, does this only work on people?”
“What do you mean?”
“What if we take a picture of the cat?”
“Fred? Sure, let’s take a picture of old Fred!”
“He’s certainly holding still… got it! He’s… hold on, there’s some kind of message on the screen…”
“Let me see…”Mood Camera is for people only. Cats are advanced spiritual beings that produce far too much energy for this device. Continued use of Mood Camera to take pictures of cats will void your warranty.”
“He doesn’t seem to be producing much energy.”
“Fred is an advanced spiritual being!”
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Please send in the next musician. Yes, sir, won’t you come in?”
“Wow, it’s really groovy in here.”
“Er, yes. And your name?” “
Jimi. But you can call me James.”
“And what is that instrument?”
“Oh, it’s a Strat, ’63, got a new pickup put in this morning, strings are kinda fresh….”
“It is a guitar?”
“Oh, ha-ha, yeah…”
“Are you aware, sir, that this audition is for a first violin chair?”
“No, man, that’s all right, I don’t need a chair.”
“And what will you be playing for us today?”
“Well, I thought I’d start with some Ludwig Van, but really what I want to do is this…”
“Sir…sir! Please… SIR! Please STOP, those… those…sounds, they are, they are MOST TROUBLESOME!”
“Oh, uh, sorry… most troublesome, hey, that’s cool… so, I guess I’ll just walk on down the road.”
“Thank you for coming to see us today sir.”
“Ain’t no thing… be seeing you. Nice place you have here. Watch out for falling stars..”
* * * * * * * *
“Well, I for one thought he was quite good.”
“Yes, too good. Imagine a whole orchestra full of musicians like Mr. James Hendrix.”
“I’m trying.”
____________________________________________________________________________________
“This isn’t working. Try speaking to me in some exotic foreign language. ”
Ok, baby. How’s this: Et tu, Brute?”
“What the hell is that?”
“It’s Latin. It’s what Caesar said to his best friend Brutus on the Ides of March, just as he and a bunch of Roman senators fell upon poor Caesar and viciously stabbed him to death.”
“And that’s supposed to turn me on? What are you, some kind of nut?”
“Sorry, sweetie. I’m a history buff. And you’re pretty hot in that toga”.
“You really think so?”
“Makes me wanna Mambo Italiano, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, I rather think I do….
____________________________________________________________________________________
“Hallo, oh, sorry, for what you are doing?”
“Excuse me?”
“Sorry, I am stranger from other country, what you are doing there?”
“This is a very difficult crossword puzzle. I’m looking for an eleven letter word for “rock” ….”
“I luff you.”
“What?!”
“Beautiful American girl, I luff you.”
“Look, mister, in this country you don’t sit down next to a girl on a bench and say I luff, I mean love you.”
“But is true. Why should I lie? Who has time to lie? Comet might come, kill us both right here on bench, boom, splatt, you know?”
“Sure, yes, that could happen but…”
“Luff you…”
“Look, buddy, leave right now, or I’m going to yell for help. That big guy over there will probably run right over here and kick your ass.”
“Tom Jonesing”
“You… what?”
“Eleven letter word for “rock”. Tom Jonesing. I leave now.”
“Wait! Tom Jonesing…is that with a hyphen?”
“You call big guy to help you. You are loser. I leave now.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Stick ’em up!”
“Whoa, OK, don’t shoot! Hey, what is that?”
“Time displacement weapon. Put the money in this bag or I’ll send you to another time.”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Well, what time are you gonna send me to?”
“It’s a random setting, I have no idea. It could be the 2nd century BC or next Wednesday.”
“Seems to me you’re wasting this technology on holding up a liquor store.”
“Hmmm, you’re right. Give me a quart of Old Grand-Dad, too.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
“How long has he been like this?”
“Ever since we pulled him out of that chimney.”
“What’s he saying?”
“They sound like war stories, but, well, maybe you should listen…”
“…I once captained a top secret, experimental vessel called The Tentacle. This was during the Great Pesto conflict on Basilicus Garlica. One of our ships, the Balderdash, was stolen and was being used in a civil conflict there. Me and my crew were given orders to retrieve the Balderdash at all costs. The Tentacle was equipped with a molester array and we were dispatched immediately. Well, we molested the hell out of those rebels for weeks and nothing happened. Then I got the idea to pay a visit to the beautiful Queen of Pestonia, and try to get her to listen to reason. My reasons. She was impressed, but we didn’t get the Balderdash and Pestonia is now the biggest problem in the galaxy. Later the Queen had our love child, who stole a time machine, changed our past, and altered our future, and Command said it was all my fault. I said, what’s the difference? If I hadn’t told you, you wouldn’t know any better, and everything would have just turned out the same way. Damn time paradox! Anyway…that explains the demotion. Hey, got any reindeer milk?”
“Why is he wearing that Santa suit? It’s July, fer christsakes…”
“We’re working on that, sir…” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“So, what are you doing for the end of the world?”
“That’s a terrible pickup line. I don’t know any girl who would go for that.”
“No?”
“The idea that a girl might want to be with a stranger for her last night on earth is absurd.”
“So, what would you do for your last night on earth?”
“I’d bake cookies. I’d call my family and tell them I love them. I’d go to bed early, with my cat.”
“Huh…”
“Anyway, do you really think the world is going to end?”
“No, that’s silly. It’s going to be just like any other day. Anyway, nice talking to you…”
“Hey, where are you going?”
“To Martuni’s, to see Tom Jonesing.”
“Take me with you! I can’t stand the thought of being alone…” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Hey, where were you last week? We was all waitin’ fer ya down at The Caboose.”
“Ahhh was ab-ducted by ay-leee-ens.”
“Whoa! What kinda music do them aliens play on their ray-dios… Hank Williams?”
“No”
“Jimi Hendrix?”
“Nope”
“Barbra Steisand?”
“Naaa… they played them some of that ay-lee-en jazz. All sounded like beeps and skronks ta me.”
“No Metallica?”
“No”
“No Tom Jonesing?”
“Heck, no”
“Well, then, that tears it. Ahh ain’t goin’ .”
“Yer better off.”
“Wha’d they look like, anyway?”
“Exactly like Jane Fonda in Barbarella.”
“Get outta here!!”
“Yeah… not my type…too damn tall.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Hold on! Don’t panic, I’m getting a rope. Just don’t look down!”
“Oh, my god… ok, ok, I’m holding on…”
“I’m just running to the car to get a rope. Hold on to that branch, I’ll be right back!”
“OK! OK.. Oh, god, if I ever get out of this alive…”
“You’ll do what, exactly?”
“AAHH! Who… what are you? You’re.. a talking mouse?”
“Yes, I’m a mouse. I can talk to you like this because anyone you tell about this incident will think you were crazy with fear of plunging to your death and merely hallucinated me, but you and I know that I’m real and I’m actually a talking mouse.”
“Um, ok, ok… so…?”
“So what will you do if you make it out of this predicament alive? Take up a primitive religious practice? Sell everything you own and give the money to charity? Call your mother?”
“I… I don’t know. You make it all sound so petty. Are all mice as cynical as you?”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“I suppose I’ll do something good. I don’t know what it is right now, but I’ll do something.”
“Do you promise?”
“YES, yes, I promise! Oh, god, where is he with that rope, I can’t…”
“It’s all right. You can let go of that branch now. There’s a wide ledge just 10 inches below your feet. You just can’t see it because of that rock.”
“Oh! Oh, you’re right! Oh god, I was so scared! Thank you. What did you say your name was?”
“Squeeek squeeeeek squeeeeek!”
This moment of existential drama has been brought to you by: Tom Jonesing, this Thursday evening… ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“OK! So for ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS, Name-This-Tune!” (music plays…buzzer sounds) “Dog rolling in the mud, Name That Tune!”
“Uh, uh, Summer in the City, by the Lovin’ Spoonful?”
“No!! Cat sitting in a box, Name That Tune!!”
“Would that be Sittin’ by the Dock of the Bay, by Otis Redding?”
“No!! Cockatiel on a curtain rod?”
“Smells like Teen Spirit!!”
“Definitely not! Fish in a bowl?”
“Rachmaninoff’s Concerto number two in C minor.”
“You are correct sir, for ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!” (Sound of crowd cheering, hazy, blurry period ensues)…
“Honey? Honey, wake up, you were having a nightmare or something.”
“Whew, yeah.. I’ve gotta stop falling asleep with the radio on…” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
She: “This is kind of a tight spot. I’ve never driven a stick shift before, you know.”
He: “It’s easy, just push in the clutch, put it in reverse, then let the clutch out slowly…that’s it, slowly… Whoaa, stop, stop!”
She: “Oh, my god, I just backed into a Porsche!”
He: “The guy’s getting out. Stay cool, I’ll talk to him.”
She: “I feel like such an idiot…Hey, that guy, it’s…”
He: “Oh, wow, you’re right! Roll your window down. Hello! We’re so sorry, are you ok?”
Him: “Oh, yes, I’m fine. First time driving a stick?”
She: “Why, yes, yes it is. I’m afraid I failed my first lesson.”
Him: “Well, this isn’t the best car to learn on.”
He: “Uh, what’s wrong with my car?”
Him: “Your car is actually a metaphor, sir. It perfectly describes the dynamics of your failed relationship. You impose your pedestrian ideologies on this poor woman, who is clearly ready for more than you can offer.”
He: “What?!”
She: “Shhh! ”
Him: “A woman like this needs a vehicle that gives her control and the freedom to make spontaneous choices. One need only look at her to see that she is evolving into a creature of extraordinary finesse. You can’t seriously expect her to drive this car. This way, please…(opens door)”
He: “Hey, what are you doing?”
She: “I’m evolving. I’m getting into the Porsche.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“I love these Indian summers.”
“Hmmm…”
“Would you like me to rub more suntan lotion on your back?”
“Mmmmmm!”
“Here, I’ll just loosen these bikini straps.”
“Mmmm…”
“Does this feel good?”
“Mmmm-hmmmm!”
“Should I go lower? You don’t want to get a tan line…”
“mmmmmmmm…”
“Hey, what’s this little tattoo? I never noticed that…”
“Uhh…”
“Looks like a serial number with a…bar code?”
“That’s uh, that’s…”
“And there’s this tiny flap; hey, is this a battery compartment?”
“Please don’t touch that…”
“I don’t think you’ve been completely honest with me.”
“Uh, Tom Jonesing this Thursday?”
“Hey!”
“Oh, shut up and make with the lotion.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Wow, what’s that?”
“Ray gun”
“Where did ya get it?”
“Off a dead alien”
“What are you gonna do with it?”
“Destroy all evil”
“Where?”
“Everywhere”
“How you gonna get there?”
“Space ship”
“When are you leaving?”
“Already done it”
“Huh?”
“Time machine”
“Oh, right, duh…” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Hello, come on in. You can set the pet carrier on the examination table. So who do we have here?”
“Well, I’m calling it Little X for now.”
“Little X, ok. Well, let’s pull you out of there and have a look at… whoa!”
“Right?”
“I’ve never seen anything like…her? Him?…”
“I was hoping you might know.”
“To be honest, I really can’t tell. Where did uh, Little X, come from?”
“My neighbor moved out and left it a couple days ago. I’ve been feeding it tunafish, that’s all it wants to eat.”
“Little X. Well, you seem healthy enough, but… wait, what’s this…”
“Yeah, that’s another thing.”
“I don’t like that, we might have to remove it.”
“…please don’t touch that…”
“OH MY GOD IT TALKS??!”
“Yeah, that’s the other thing.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“OK, so you found this where? It looks so… futuristic…”
“I was digging up that old stump in my back yard, and this box was buried under it.”
“Is it some kind of metal?”
“Definitely… here, there’s a little catch, let me pop it… ”
“There’s something in there…it’s… a newspaper?”
“Let’s see…First openly gay president takes office, China acknowledges Tibet as a sovereign state…What the…?”
“Oh wow, look at the date… this is from… the year 2027? How is that possible?”
“A time capsule from the future… ”
“Look at this… something about Tom Jonesing, a lost recording from… hey, that’s this week!”
“Wait a minute… we were meant to find this… we’re supposed to record Tom Jonesing…to influence the future, to create a parallel reality, I mean, if we don’t, maybe these other great things won’t happen, right? I can’t work this shit out…”
“I know… time paradoxes always give me a headache.”
“You’re right. Let’s just bury the damn thing.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Where is it?”
“I think it’s over there now, in the lingerie display.”
“I can see it moving…wow, it’s really big!”
“Don’t touch it!”
“How did it get in here?”
“We think a customer brought it in, kind of a prank.”
“Some sick idea of a joke, I’d say.”
“Oh my god, lookout, it’s…it’s…”
Tom Jonesing, this Saturday night, at… ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Want to see Tom Jonesing with me on Thursday?”
“I’d love to, but my spirit guides want me to go to this silent retreat in Sonoma.”
“That’s not til the weekend.”
“Yeah, but I’m fasting, so I can’t drink, and I have a Skype call with my psychic in Ecuador that night.”
“Be honest. You don’t really want to go out with me anymore, do you?”
“Um, well, maybe. But I still really love Tom Jonesing.”
“Oh, OK. Well, I guess that’s good.”
“Totally. Namaste?”
“Ciao.”
“No, meow!”
“Yeah, whatever….” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Oh! Is that the new…”
“Yeah, I just got it.”
“Want it! Is it the one with the…”
“No, they were all out of those. Here, check it out.”
“Hey, it’s bigger and heavier than I thought.”
“I know, a little disappointing.”
“Do they come in any other colors?”
“No, just the periwinkle.”
“Voice activation?”
“No.”
“Long throw ophthalmic sensor?”
“Uh uh.”
“Does it have the “Bad Baby” mode?”
“Not yet, that’s still got problems.”
“Huh…”
“Yeah. Hey, you want this one?”
“Naaa, that’s a piece of crap. I’m holding out for the next one.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Hi, do you have any questions about this car?”
“It’s an amazing color…”
“We call that candy dragon gold. This is the L model, the handling is superb.”
“Oh, this is much too fancy for me. I’m really looking for something more practical. I noticed some cars over here, what are these? Oh, they have dogs inside them!”
“These are really cool, they’re our “earth friendly” models, and they feature our new RPD systems.”
“RPD?”
“Recycled Protein Drive. Each car comes with a dog, which you can choose based on your driving habits and lifestyle.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“Here, I’ll show you. You see this hopper?”
“Yes…wait, you don’t mean…”
“The chihuahua is great if, say, you live in a small apartment and you just do short trips around town. The lab is perfect if you have a yard and do a fair amount of combined city and highway driving…”
“This is crazy.! OK, I’ll take the white hatchback. With the Saint Bernard.”
“Excellent choice. And it comes with this stainless steel shovel…” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Honey, do you believe there is a parallel universe to our own, and in that parallel universe, there could be two people in love who are just like us?”
“Huh?”
“Einstein thought so. Einstein was such a romantic.”
“You mean two people laying in bed who look and act and talk and think just like us?”
“Yeah…”
“Naaaw, we’re special.”
“They could be special too.”
“There can be only one special. If there were more than one special, how could they both be special?”
“I see what you mean. Still, if we could ever cross the area at the singularity of a rotating black hole we might find another couple who were just as special as us.”
“Hmmm…I doubt it” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Here, now put this on.”
“What? The gorilla suit’s not enough?”
“It’s better with the lingerie. And the pink cowboy hat.”
“What’s the point of this exercise, anyway? Why do I have to be the outlet for your Dadaist fantasies?”
“Come on, let’s get you out on the street. OK, stand here, by the entrance. Wave this sign around, try to get the people in the cars to honk at you.”
“What does the sign say?”
“It says, Love is a Beast… Come see Tom Jonesing!”
“You really think this will work?”
“Try wiggling the sign more…yes…YES!”
That’s Tom Jonesing, special Valentine’s Day show… ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Hey, this is weird… all these people are un-friending me.”
“Oh, yeah? Why’s that?”
“It must be because of this comment I made…”
“Huh?”
“This guy I know posted that his girlfriend wasn’t responding to his advances anymore. Everybody had the usual dumb suggestions, like, take a cooking class, learn a foreign language…”
“So what did you write?”
“I posted that he should just let all the air out and put her back in the closet for a while.”
“Uh, yeah, that might be it.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“…and this is the living room. I’m sure you’ll agree the view is impressive. All of the period psychedelic furniture, lighting, priceless record collection and vintage tube amplified sound system is included in the sale.”
“Honey, this place is incredible! I can’t believe nobody has snapped it up.”
“Yeah, I wonder who this guy is?”
“…the bathroom, or water pavilion, is quite large, as you can see, and the owner says he’ll include the 120 gallon aquarium and all the exotic fish.”
“How can they sell this for what they’re asking? There’s got to be a catch.”
“…you’re probably wondering, is there a catch?”
“Well, yeah, exactly.”
“There is. You have to dance for the owner. He’s watching you now through that camera there on the mantle from a remote location. If he likes the way you dance, you can have the apartment for the advertised price.”
“That’s a little creepy…”
“Honey, come on, who cares? OK, we’ll do it! What’s the music?”
“The music is…Sergei Vasilievich Rachmaninoff’s Piano Concerto No. 2 in C minor Op. 18”
“Say what?”
“You don’t know the selection?”
“Um, no, do you, honey?”
“Well, yeah, but you can’t dance to Rachmaninoff!”
“Thank you for coming to see the apartment. Next, please.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“This online dating thing is kind of new to me, I’m feeling a little awkward.”
“Me too! Let’s just talk about things we like. I’m really getting into photography.”
“Oh, what kinds of things do you take pictures of?”
“I like the spaces in between things, the liminal zones. Things most people wouldn’t notice, like the line between the bench seats on the bus, preferably out of focus.”
“I see.”
“I also have a series of photographs of water. I take the same water and pour it into different glasses that I find at garage sales and thrift shops, lots of them, like 50 or 60 glasses. Then I light the glasses as if they were portraits.”
“Very nice.”
“And dog poo. When I was in Paris last year I took lots of pictures of poo on the sidewalk. I call the series “Merde de la Paris”.
“I am so hot for you right now.” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“We’re ready for the next proposal please. Hello sir, what have you brought us today?”
“It’s my plan for a futuristic mobile city.”
“What?”
“Here, may I use the projector? You can see in this first image that the entire city is encased in a clear titanium/acrylic composite dome. Virtually impervious to all but the largest asteroid impacts and cosmic rays. The biodynamic farm and forested park in the center provide food and oxygen, and the 2 fusion reactors beneath the lower level provide more than enough power for both the inhabitants and the newly designed SAMBA drive train, detailed in this image…”
“How much is all this going to cost the taxpayers?”
“Virtually nothing. Once we establish the new percolation plant to extract minerals from seaweed, the profits should pay for everything within 7 years.”
“Sir, are you aware that this meeting is for proposals for a new dog park?”
“Oh, I got that in here, too, it’s right next to the Tom Jonesing Musical History Pavilion…” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Sheez, I heard this place was expensive, but the prices on this menu are outrageous!”
“I’ve got to ask the waiter about this fish… excuse me…?”
“Hello, I’m Adrien, I’ll be your server this evening.”
“Yes, can you tell me about the fish?”
“The cyclopean nomad trout is found in the frigid waters of Crater Lake. There are only about 300 of them left. ”
“So, they’re an endangered species!”
“Oh, yes, quite, that’s why we charge so much for them. We prepare them with wild purple forest chanterelles…”
“But, if they’re endangered…”
“Yes?”
“Well, I mean, how can you…”
“Would you like to see our Statement of Rationalizations?”
“Uh, no, I don’t think so…”
“Our essay on the Justification of Superior Species?”
“No, thanks…”
“Perhaps you’d be happier at the establishment down the street, then… they have popcorn, martinis, and something called a “Tom Jonesing.”
“Come on, honey… I’d rather have a “Tom Jonesing” any day, whatever it is.”
“I’ll bet it’s cheap and delicious!” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Hey, honey, get a load of this, I wrote a haiku!”
“Oh, cool, let me hear it!”
“OK, hear goes: ” `Tom Jonesing plays songs You may not remember well But you will like them` ”
Wow, that’s awesome! I’m gonna try one. Let’s see…”‘ Tom Jonesing, so fun You forget about panties Better, you toss them ‘ ”
“That’s so good! You’re like, a natural haiku writer!”
“Oh, thanks, baby!”
“Those are terrible haikus!”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I am Matsuo Bashō , the 17th century Japanese master who is credited with inventing the form of the haiku.”
“OK, hot shot, let’s hear you do better.”
“Very well… ‘ Walks into a bar “Bartender, give me haiku!” “Straight, or with a twist?” ‘ ”
“That’s a terrible haiku!”
“What? The effrontery!”
“Yeah, that really is terrible. It doesn’t even mention Tom Jonesing!” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Engine room, prepare for departure.”
“We’re ready down here, sir.”
“Very well. Engage the thrusters.”
“Um, sir, we replaced the thrusters at the last space dock. We’re now totally light-based.”
“Replaced the thrusters? Why was I not informed?”
“I’m not sure, sir.”
“Fine. Engage the… light-based… thingy.”
“Photonic gravity is engaged, sir.”
“I don’t feel anything different.”
“No sir, but it’s operating within normal parameters.”
“There’s no “whoosh!”.
“No, sir.”
“This is not as much fun as last time.”
“I’m sorry, sir…should I put on the “special outfit”? ”
“Yes, lieutenant, that might help…” ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
“OK, let’s just put him up on the examination table. Why, hello, kitty, aren’t you handsome! ”
“This is Tom Jones.”
“Oh, like Tom Jones, the singer? What’s New, Pussycat? Ha ha…”
“Yes, like that. Except, this cat actually is Tom Jones. Tom Jones from the late 1960’s”
“Hmmm?”
“I can’t explain it, but I just know that he is. Whenever I put Tom Jones on, he starts doing this dance. Here, I’ll show you, I’ve got “Chills and Fever” on my phone, I’ll play it…”
“Well, I… whoa, I’ve never seen a cat get up on two legs like that… he… he’s actually dancing! Those moves are amazing!”
“I know, right? Ooops, there he goes, sorry, that’s why I brought him in today…”
“Oh, that’s just a little digestive problem. Probably hairballs, I wouldn’t worry about it. I can prescribe something that should take care of it.”
“Whew, that’s good news. We’ve got 2 months booked at the Tropicana starting next week.”